Cheaper than chips :

A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one pence."
"One Pence?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of  your finest wine?"
"Oh, that will be two pence," the barman replied.
"Two Pence?" exclaimed the man "Where's the bloke who owns this place?"
The barman replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman replied, "The same thing I'm doing to the bastards business down here."

The Photographer :

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a  surrogate father to start their family.  On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his  wife
goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...''
Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well, that's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in and have a seat.'  After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Charlie and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.
 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate.  When it started getting dark, I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to...
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh ...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.  Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.........

From the mouth of babes :A lady was six months pregnant with her third child, her three year old came into the room when she was getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!". She replied, "Yes, darling, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy". "I know", the little girl replied, "but what's growing in your arse?"

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS!"
 

Grandad and Grandma were visiting their kids overnight, when Grandad found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked his son about using one of the pills, and his son said I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive.
"How much?" asked Grandad.
"£10.00 a pill answered his son." " I don't care," said Grandad, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I change this £50.00 note."
The next morning the son found £110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandad, "I told you each pill was £10.00, not £110.00."
"I know," said Grandad. "The hundred is from your Grandma."

What's in a Name

A lad attended a party and after checking out all the well-dressed guests he spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room. He approached and asked her name, She coyly replied... "Carmen."
Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, he responded with "That's a beautiful name, is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Footballtits," he replied.

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes wind and says, "Goal!!."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Yes, it's in."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. 2-1 to us!"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Great goal 2-2."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Oh yes, just crept in 3-2 to me." 
Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally follows through in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
 

Testing Times

I was so happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses.

She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her breasts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it, just come up and get me..." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.  Welcome to the family."


The moral of this story is:



Wait for it...............




Always keep your condoms in your car!
Thanks to Stevie Hart (Disley) for that one

 

Romance never dies 

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Derek asked Madge out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Madge soon joined Derek in bed for a passionate and energetic lovemaking session.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Derek was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Madge was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my tights."
(Phil Oates is back with a blinder)

Holy Orders

Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.
He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the priest,
"Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.

Strong in arm..... A strong young man on the building site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right smart arse, get in."

Yellow 24

A man went to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.”

“It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.”

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's
never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. The National grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"

"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."

"Blow me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well."
(Proudy comes up with another gem)
 

Shark Fishing
Out on her royal yacht the Queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in time.
At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white England shirts sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly.
The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling .......

It was the Queen herself calling them to the yacht.

On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said to Beckham, Rooney and Gerrard (for it was they) "I will give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup, but I see that my England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship
to other countries."

She knighted them there and then, and proceeded to sail away. As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."
 "Well," Rooney replied, "she definitely knows Fuck-all about shark fishing.
How's the bait holding up ?"

 they buried her!!!

Who's a clever girl?

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the barbers chair, eating a barm cake while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get big tits too with a bit of luck."       a couple of nice ones from Proudy

Payback

My wife has left me!!!

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, so I had to give up drinking beer. I wasn't a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw she had spent £30.00 on makeup, I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She replied, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
He told her, "Bloody 'ell, that's what the beer was for!"