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<< STRICTLY OVER 18's ONLY >>
This is where you come to cheer yourself up or just have a giggle. Not
everything in here is suitable for youngsters so please ensure that the littlies
are kept off this page for their good and to uphold my principles. Thank you.
A Page of Non PC Irish
Fun from Phil Oates
Chopper
- wmv file 325kb download
This is
Gross
hlml link
What happens to Ladies when
they get behind a wheel
- a 145kb download
A few
alternatives to brighten up the Olympic Games -
a 482kb download
Don't get tempted to
hail this dozy cabbie
- a 417kb download
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This Weeks Funny
Draughty Church
An elderly couple were attending
church when about halfway through the service she leans over
and says to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas. What should I do?"
Her husband leans over to her and replies, "When we get home put a new battery
in your hearing aid."
Ted - Stockport
Thief
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop
lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband
spoke up and asked the
judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? "
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
Janet Collins - Bury
Redundant
The boss has to lay off Ann or Jack because
things have gone a little slack. Ann walks into the office so the
boss say's, 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.'
Ann replies, 'You better jack off then boss, I've got a headache!'
Kinkey Sex
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other
at a bar, both getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's
so down.
"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she replied.
"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man. "She told me that I
was too kinky for her, too!"
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common
they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.
When they get to her house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes,
I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and
changes into a full leather, jet black dominatrix outfit.
However, as she's coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and
walking out the door.
"What happened?", she said. "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"
He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse.
I'm done OK!!"
The two above are from Simon in Springfield, Ohio, US
Cheeky Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He
orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some
sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of
the billiard balls.
To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it
whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on
the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out,
and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out,
and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything
first."
Proudy pops another one in
D'yer maica
A married couple was on
holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around them market place looking at the
goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I ave some special
sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man
claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God
that he was..
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried
them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,
something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently
over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a
firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"
Sniff that
Kate Moss is at a celebrity
bash and bumps into Jeremy Clarkson and
inquired, "what you do?" He replied, "I do Top Gear".
"Thank God!" She said, "I'll have 4 grams!"
Two steamers from Tony "the Italian
stallion" Gaeta
Bush under fire
Donald Rumsfeld goes into see George Bush and says “ Mr
President I have some bad news for you, I am afraid to tell you that we have
had some more American deaths in Iraq and worse three Brazilians killed.
At this news George looks very shocked and saddened, Donald Rumsfeld looks
at him a thinks that at long last the situation has got on top of George and
finally he is taking it to heart.
George leans over and says ”Donald tell me that again, and how many is a
Brazilian?”
one from
John, my bruv
Feeling a little horse
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm. "I'd like to buy a horth" he says
to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" said the owner.
"A female horth" the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to
show him the horses ears.
"Nithe eerth.' he says 'Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves
his head deep inside the horses vagina. He holds him there for a couple of
seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
"Can I see her wun awound?"
Nice one from
Phil Oates
Our loveable leader.
Tony Blair started jogging near his home in
Chequers. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to
follow.
"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.
This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realized
she'd bark her £50 offer
and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became
even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five quid!!!"
Proudie special
Scousers on Tour
Two planeloads of scousers have left
to go to New Orleans –
they are going to help with the looting
Lifes like that
Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears...
Sometimes ... when you are worried ... no one sees your pain...
Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile...
But fart just one damn time
Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother
was working in the kitchen listening to
her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She
heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want
off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!
And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the
train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language
in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want
you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All
passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all
of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She
hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you
to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no
smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey
with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay,
please see the fat bitch in the
kitchen."
One from Phil Oates
Cute little toy
There was this couple that had been
married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would
break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle
of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leasure
device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all
of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the
toy . . . you explain the kids."
sent in anonymously
A fair cop
A cop was patrolling at night in a
well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly
glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees
a young man behind the wheel, reading a football magazine. He immediately
notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising
situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window “Uh, yes, officer?”
“What are you doing sir?”
“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine"
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what
is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “I believe she’s knitting a scalf.”
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a
lovers’ lane. And nothing obscene is happening! “What’s your age, young man?”
“I’m 25.”
“And her ... what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She’ll be 16 in just over 9 minutes.”
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