After getting all of Pope Benedict XVI's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver. "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

" Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm going lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the traffic cop approaches, but the traffic cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the superintendent," he says to control. The superintendent gets on the radio and the traffic cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So nick him," says the super. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The super exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The super then asked, "Who have you  got there, a councillor?"

Cop: "Much bigger."

super: "a minister?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the super, "Who the hell is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

super: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"
another from our kid!
 

That old Ape joke
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs."

... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

That's a cracker from Old Lloyd  http://mywebpages.comcast.net/1oldlloyd/hello.htm

An Email from my brother John   
Hi Malc :
Someone at our works has a father like yourself who is a decorator and must do similar work to you as he works a lot in large houses. The other week he went to do some work at a big house somewhere in Bramhall. He was talking to the people and in the conversation they got onto security and were saying that they have a very sophisticated security system and this included video recording surveillance throughout a lot of the house. Recently they had a plumber in their house to do some jobs while they were both out at work. Some time after he had finished his work the people at the house were checking the cameras when they saw the plumber in one of the rooms where he should not have been, To their utter amazement they watched him having sex with their dog. After they got over the shock they called in the police who decided to charge him but when it went to court the case was thrown out as it was discovered that he was CORGI registered!!!

Our kid - Furness Vale

Hair

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

A Married Couple

This married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

A golfing tail....

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Stuart - Bredbury,Stockport

My new hat

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are from Austin, Texas.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and is walking proudly all the way home. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's so different? It's hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"

To which Bessie replies, ever so slowly, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Ya shoulda bought a hat."

Scouse Arab

The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen and hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he hinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 mins left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 mins and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says.
"I played for 20 mins today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and
your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a
group of building workers. - It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe
in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot. One
day Willie and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a
house on the empty plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung
around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less
adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her,
let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to
her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the
bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the
little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact
she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this,” said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men
building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house
again this week, as well?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said...............






I think so. Provided those c*nts at Jewsons deliver the f**king bricks.

BLINDER

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and
spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 2 from Proudy  - New Mills

I spotted this one on the Chelsea Website
  Chelsea Smoking Policy             

This season the WHOLE of Stamford Bridge is NO SMOKING.

Check with Corporate Sales to see which corporate areas are smoking/non smoking.        A case of us and them eh?

 

Duck Joke!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Richard Hamley - Wroxham

Twins talk

A couple had twin sons who were three years old. The first one could talk. The second one couldn't. They tried everything to make the little chap talk, but didn't succeed. In an act of desperation the father decided to take the child to Lourdes.
Once they got there, he immersed the child in the holy water. The kid crawled sneezing out of the water and yelled: DICKHEAD !
The father pushed the kid again in the water and again, the kid yelled: YOU STUPID DICKHEAD, when it crawled out.
Excited the father called his wife to tell her the good news, that the child had yelled that he was a stupid dickhead.
"that's because that's what you are" said the mother. "You took the wrong child !!!!"
thanks to Eddie from Bramhall, Cheshire for that one

Harry's Wife

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a prostitute. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry
says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. When he asks how much, tell him a fifty pounds. If you've got a question,
I'll be parked just around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?
She says, "Fifty pounds."
He says "Shit. All I've got is twenty quid."
She says,"Hold on."  She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for twenty pounds?"
Harry says, "A hand job".
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for twenty notes is a  hand job.
He says okay, so she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out flops a simply HUGE male unit.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "ffffffuuuuu....I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly,
"Harry, can you lend this guy thirty quid!!!!".
Another Proudy classic

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail; and with his odd diet, he suffered from horrendous bad breath. This made him what?

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates , do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates . "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness . Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ...".
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?".
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really ..."
"Well," concluded Socrates , "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.
Proudy - New Mills

Eating Grass

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

Another Duck joke

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"
a couple from Kurt - Cologne

An Aussie, a Paddy and a Scouser

Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar; They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"  
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!" Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle." Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "F**k off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."
nice one from Paul Dennis - Glossop    - Now download this one from Paul for a giggle or three MY BOYS 1st GAME   228kb

A tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me an injection or something and fix me up, doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion". The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My own doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks and it fall off by itself!"
Thanks to the joiner Dave where I was working this particular week for this one