PAGE FOUR
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A Valentines Gift from Phil Oates -
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A tourist goes on a trip to China.
While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all
the time. A week after arriving back home in England, he awakes one morning to
find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he
immediately goes to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like
this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the
results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news
for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of
here. We know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something
and fix me up, doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to
amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion". The doctor
replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only
choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more
about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah,
yes, Mongolian VD. Very lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yes, yes, I already know that, but what we can do?
My own doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid docta, always want to
opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks and it fall
off by itself!"
Stan - Blackpool (told in the pub)
On the farm lived a
chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for
help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and
searched
for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the
keys inside,
the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his
friend's
life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive
in the shiny
BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken
then drove
slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer
was none
the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was
cemented,best
buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to
sink
and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked
over,
and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab
his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good
grip,
and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Stewart Houseman - Romsey, Hampshire
A University medical student
walked into the mortuary where a body was lying on the table. Confident that he
knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to
examine the body. When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the
man's arse.
Mystified, he pulled it out and immediately heard Glory Glory Maaan Unoited song
come out of the guy's orifice. Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved
the cork back into it's original resting place. He then ran to get his
instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I
discovered!!"
Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this
astounding discovery." When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also
surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the
cork. Upon hearing Glory Glory Maaan Unoited, he quickly replaced the cork and
said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of arseholes sing
that song!"
4-1 4-1 4-1 4-1
An old lady dies and goes to
heaven. She is chatting to St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she
hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "what is happening?"
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes
bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St.Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit
the halo."
Shaking her head, the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Sure" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"
.....................................................
A young man once asked God how long a
million years was to him.
God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second to you."
The young man asked God what a million pounds was to him.
God replied, "A million pounds to me is just like a single penny to you."
Then the young man got his courage up and asked, "God, could I have one of your
pennies?"
God smiled and replied, "Certainly, just a second.
Two from
Terry Holmes - Hadfield
"George Bush met The Queen, and he
turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my
country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom".
The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a
King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?" to
which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince -
and you're not a Prince ".
Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Look Bush, to be an Empire
you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."
Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're
doing quite nicely as a Country"
Ian Johnson - High Peak
A confused nine year old boy goes up
to his mother and asks: "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds: "Well, God is both male and
female."
This confuses the little boy, so he asks: "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses the boy so he asks: "Is God gay or straight?"
The mother answers: "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks:
"Is God Michael Jackson?"
Thanks to "Gusworld" for that one.
Some Previous Cartoons
A primary teacher
started a new job at a school in Manchester and, trying to make a good
impression on her first day, explained to her class that she is a Uni£ed
fan.
She asked her students to raise their hands if they too are Uni£ed
fans.
Everyone in the class raised their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looked at the girl with surprise and said, "Mary, why didn't you
raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Uni£ed
fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked asked: "Well, if you're not a Uni£ed
fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a City fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher raised her eyebrows. "Mary, why are you an City fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from Platt Lane and my dad is a City fan, so I'm an
City fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, "that's no reason for you to be an City fan. You don't
have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a
prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be
then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."
Great first effort from Keith Proudfoot - New Mills
Three men died on
Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess
something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells".
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what
do those symbolise?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".
A Dartford girl goes to
the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker
"10" replies the Dartford girl
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne
and..............Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Dartford girl "its great because if they are out playing in
the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S AAAART or WAAYNE GO
TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council
worker.
"That's easy," says the Dartford girl... "I just use their surnames"
A couple from Phil Oates - New Mills
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