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A helping hand
A Manchester City fan and a Manchester UniŁed fan crashed their cars into each other on a country road.
The City fan, seeing that the UniŁed fan was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The UniŁed fan accepted it and had a good drink before handing the flask back to the City fan, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the United supporter.
"Sure, after the police leave," replied the City fan.

Father Shearer
A group of Catholic priests were due to play a group of Rabbis in an important interfaith game. A few days before the match, disaster struck. The Catholic team's star player broke his ankle and the doctor said he wouldn't be able to play again for at least two months.
"What are we going to do? moaned Father Durnford.
"Well," said Father Thomas, "it so happens that Alan Shearer is a good friend of mine. We could ask him to play for us."
"But that wouldn't be ethical, now would it?" said Father Durnford.
"No, but if we called him Father Shearer, no one need know," replied Father Thomas.
Eventually Father Durnford agreed to let this devious plan go ahead but then, as luck would have it, he was suddenly called away on official Church business and was unable to watch the match. As soon as he could, he phoned Father Thomas for the result.
"I'm afraid they beat us, five-one," said Father Thomas.
"But how could that happen?" queried Father Durnford. "We had Father Shearer in our team."
"Yes," said Father Thomas, "but they had Rabbi Anelka and Rabbi Wanchope playing for them."

 

The Sofa
A lady walks into a Furniture Store. She browses around, then spots the perfect leather sofa and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns back, sure enough, there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely leather sofa?"
He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when you hear the price."
Kevin Montgomery - Crewe

Poem..by Paul McCartney....
We lay upon the grassy bank,
My hands were all a quiver,
I slowly undid her suspender belt,
And her leg fell in the river.
Yes it's from our old favourite - Fat git from Dartford still turning out gems

A Man UniŁed supporter goes to a nudist beach and sees a naked women, being a little embarrassed by the view, he takes his football cap and puts it 'down there' to cover it up.
10 minutes later a City fan walks by and sees the cap. He takes it off and says: "well, that's the first time there isn't a dick under a UniŁed cap"
From One Hit Wonder - Belgium

A man receives a free ticket to watch Manchester City. Unfortunately when he arrives at Maine Road he realises the seat is right at the back of the stadium. About halfway through the first half he notices an empty seat 10 rows from the pitch, right on the halfway line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrives, he asks a man sitting next to the empty seat "Excuse me but is anyone sitting here?" The man says "No". "That's incredible .... Who in their right mind would have a seat like this and not use it?" he says. "Well, the seat belongs to my wife," says the man, " But she passed away. This is the first game we haven't been at together since 1967." "That's really sad," says the man, "But couldn't you find a relative or friend who wanted the seat?" "No" came the reply "They're all at the funeral."
Blue Spice - Manchester


 Previous Cartoons
   
Try these super Downloads:

Our local Doc was performing a circumcision but missed - he got the sack!!
I'll drink to this one from Wally...
 A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the
herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole
group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Here's four from Ian Johnson - Squash Legend
ONE DAY at MACCLESFIELD HOSPITAL

This story was told by a nurse...and she swears this really happened on her
ward. I believe her she supervised my haemorrhoid treatment.

A man suspected of SARs is lying in bed with an mask over his mouth.
A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr ******, I'm only here
to wash your face and hands.
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and
hands."
The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so
she marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted.
She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjama trousers, moved his
p*nis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas,
replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with your testicles!!!"
At this the man pulled off his mask and asked again,
"I SAID!!!!!:
Are my test results back???"

 

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Oxford Street and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
***She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring,
Suffering.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
****Divorced.
Aussie Rules
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila.....Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." And then drives off.
Anon

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Vive la Francaise
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
"It`s a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre , kiss me."
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie`s lips.
"What are you doing Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot. When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little,
Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over breasts.
"Pierre, what are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot, and when I have white meat, I like to have white wine."
They resume their passionate interlude and Marie begins to pant with excitement.
She leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower.
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He lights a match and puts it to the Cognac.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously,
PIERRE, WHAT THE F***  DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING?!"
Pierre strikes an heroic pose and proclaims, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot, if I go down, I go down in flames!"

Two Old Ladies.....
Two little old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so she reached into her purse and pulled out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey, now that's a good idea! What's that your putting over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that she could purchase them at a pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this little old lady was interested in condoms. He asked her, "What size do you want?" The old lady thought for a moment and said, "One that will fit a Camel."
Allan Hart - Leicester

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current cattle prices.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"
The woman shakes her head, no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.
The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver,' but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
THE YAK - Devon

Forgive me father
A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have
sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" the Priest asks.
"Well," the man starts, "I used the 'F'-word today and I feel so
terrible."
"Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful
language?" asked the Priest.
"Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked
like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line
hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after
going about 100 yards."
"I'm a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand what you were
feeling. So this is when you swore?"
"No Father," said the man,
"You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my
ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down
out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly
away!"
"And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet," replied the man, "just as the eagle was flying away with
the squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to the green. And as he
passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some
bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a sand trap and
on to the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!" told the
man.
The priest sighed, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?!! .
Nice one Richard Cartwright - Buxton

Harley Davidson
A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he
has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After
picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his
Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young
man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it
on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She
asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily
agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his
Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells
him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after
dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first
person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen
minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and
kisses the woman in front of her family.

No one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so
he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone.
And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he
grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex.
But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when
he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the
chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the
Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.
Thanks to David Giles of Huddersfield for this one.


 

NEWSFLASH FROM FAT GIT OF DARTFORD.... Michael Barrymore is joining Manchester UniŁed as the new goalkeeper! Michael said, " the lure of playing behind 10 arseholes and playing in front of 70,000 pricks was overwhelming."

Saddam Hussain says to President Bush " I've seen all Star Trek films and there's whites, blacks ,chinks ,Irish ,even fucking Vulcans. Why no Muslims?"
Bush says " Its set in the future, you twat"

Why don`t old women have smear tests?..Have you ever tried pulling a cheese toastie apart?

 Yes the fat bloke from Dartford has returned from Australia with another trio of howlers

An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i. As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to  see if she is alright. "I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya  OK?" he blurts out.
"Everyfink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"
 "Ah f**kin 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down an all!!!"
Phil Oates - New Mills

The Nuns Story
This raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the convent one day, when this man jumps
out from the bushes and has his way. Then the man said, "What will you tell the Holy Father
now, Sister?"
She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from the convent when a man
jumped out from the bushes and raped me twice, unless you're too tired."
Chas - Stoke On Trent

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