Nine Months Later - A Fishy Tale!  

Jack decided to go camping and fishing in the Highlands of Scotland with his mate, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours past Glasgow, they got caught in a terrible blizzard so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.  'I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the old barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of fishing in the Scottish Loch's.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a solicitor. It took him a few minutes to work it out, but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of that attractive widow he had met on the fishing weekend in Scotland.
He dropped in on his mate Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our fishing holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?
'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'

Drunk Needs Help

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'  He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed gets his torch, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swings,' replied the drunk.

The Grumpy Priest

A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters".
They reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a  little while  later  along
the way and he says, "Good morning Brother."
The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
The priest was very confused at this and goes on. He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father."
The priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says,
"Father ..."
The young priest was not going to take any more, even from the Bishop. He looks at the Bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
The Bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?"
The priest realized his mistake and says, "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you wanted."
The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"

Smoking

A doctor out for a  morning walk, noticed an old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look!  What is your secret?"
"I smoke forty cigarettes a day and the odd cigar," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Whisky every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, have casual sex, and never take any exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! Just how old are you?"
"Thirty-four," she replied.

The Nun's Story

A nun was walking home one evening when a man came up from behind and hauled her into the woods. He quickly pulled off her clothes and had his way with her.

Looking quite pleased with himself, he looked at her and asked "well, what are you going to tell Mother Superior?"

The nun looked him straight in the eye and replied," I'm going to tell her the truth," she said " A man grabbed hold of me, pulled me into the woods, and had his way with me.......
                                                   two or three times, if he's not too tired.."
 

Small is breast...

Fresh from her shower, a lady stood in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small. Instead of characteristically telling her they were not, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
'If you want your breasts to grow he said, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, she tore off a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. How long will this take she asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years he replied.
She stopped and asked if he really thought rubbing a piece of toilet paper between her breasts every day would make her breasts larger over the years.
Without missing a beat he retorted, it worked for your arse didn't it....
Allegedly he's still alive, and maybe with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.  However, he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw for a very long time to come and her breasts are still small!!
 

Doctor Doctor...
 

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor, every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

Little Johnnie was sitting on a park bench munching on one bar of chocolate after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that chocolate isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Johnnie replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat half a dozen bars of chocolate at a time?"
Little Johnnie thought for a moment and answered, "No, he minded his own f**king business!!
 

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman

Bank Job

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

Old Chicken Joke

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"