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 Former Cartoon's of the week - Click for full size

 
 

 

 

Yesterday, a friend was travelling on a Paris to London flight. A man of Arabic appearance got off the plane and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind.

She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed him back his bag. He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of money.

He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to....with a word of advice for you: "Stay away from Liverpool".

My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be a terrorist
attack?" she asked him.
"No ... ", he whispered back...... "It's a shithole."
Young Mooro - Manchester

BECKHAM GOES RIDING
David Beckham decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience.
He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as Posh stands back in admiration, but then he begins to slip from the saddle. In terror he grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly unaware of its slipping rider.
Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over again.
Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his head is battered against the ground. He is mere moments away from unconsciousness, perhaps death, when to his great fortune.....
The Tesco security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs the horse.

 Jason McAteer
According to former Blackburn team-mates, Jason’s greatest moment came on a squad night out to an Italian restaurant. Asked by the waitress whether he wanted his pizza cut up into eighths, McAteer is alleged to have replied, “Nah, I’m not that hungry – just cut it into four.

Latest from Fat Git of Dartford -
Two condoms were walking past a gay nightclub. One turns to the other and says....
" Hey, fancy getting shit-faced? "

Old Men
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to piss." The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The 90 year old man says, "At seven I piss like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" ask the others. "I don't wake up until nine!"
This one's from Benny from Rochdale

Wife's Appointment
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry love, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Alan - Reddish, Stockport

UNITED WE FALL: A bloke on his way home from work comes to a dead halt in traffic and thinks to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks: "Officer what's the hold up?"
The officer replies: "It's a Man U fan, he's just so depressed about losing the premiership to Arsenal, being knocked out of Europe and the prospect of winning Fuck all after gobbing off all season, he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him, his mates are all laughing at him and he has never had a job, I'm walking around taking a collection for him."
"Oh really?" says the bloke "How much have you collected so far?".
"So far," replies the policeman "Only about 1/2 a litre, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
Better Dead than Red

Did u here about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He choked on his own vimto.     Phil Oates - New mills

You don't get a joke off Fat Git from Dartford for weeks then 25 come at once - so here they are folks.......
25 AUSTIN POWERS CHAT UP LINES
1) I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
2) (Lick finger and wipe on her blouse) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
3) Nice legs... What time do they open?
4) Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5) You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6) Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7) I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8) I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
9) I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10) Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11) I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
12) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
 13) You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
14) I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
15) If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
16) (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.
17) You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
18) You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
19) Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
20) My name is ...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
21) Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
22) Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
23) I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
24) Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
25) Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them
Where does he get them?

A wife comes running in the door and shouts, "Darling, pack your bags. I've won the lottery."
The husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for a cruise or should I pack for the beach?"
She says, "I don't care. Just get the fuck out."
Rod - Ellesmere Port

Will Young, Robbie Williams and Kylie Minouge went for a night on the town. As they left the nightclub, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt and gave her a good seeing to.
"Its your turn now, Will", grinned Robbie but Will started crying. Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?" Will sobbed, "My head won't fit between the railings!"
Rick from Lincoln emailed this one         

 A man walks into a public toilet
A man walks into a public toilet and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and sees a very short man peeing also. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man is completely embarrassed about staring at the smaller man's penis.
"Sorry," says the taller man. "I'm not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I've ever seen, especially on a man so small!"
"Well," says the Leprechaun, "That's because I'm a Leprechaun! ALL Leprechauns have penises this size!"
The taller man says, "Incredible! I'd give anything if mine were that long."
"Well, what with me being a Leprechaun and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you, I'll give you your wish!"
"Gee," says the man, "I don't know about that----aw hell with it, OK!"
Soon, the Leprechaun is behind the taller man, just humping away. "Say," says the Leprechaun, "How old are you, son?"
Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechaun humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, "Uh-Uh, Thirty-two..."
"Imaging that, " says the little man, "Thirty-two and still believes in Leprechauns!"

Two Whales
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming in the ocean one day.
The male sees a boat and remembers that his father was killed by men on a boat, so he tells the female that they have to sink the boat so they don't get killed.
He comes up with a plan to swim under the boat and blow their blow-holes to tip the ship and sink it.
So they do, and the male is very satisfied, until he sees that the sailors on board are swimming to safety.
He tells the female that they must eat the people so they don't come back to kill them. She replies," I went along with the blow job but I'm not going to eat the seamen."

Q: Why do so many housewives love Man Utd?
A: 'cos they stay on top for ages & then come second...

 Q. What's the difference between Fabien Barthez and Pamela Anderson?
A: Pamela's only got two tits in front of her...

An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing
terms ---
"Honey," "My Love," "Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc. The couple had been
married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think
it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet
names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "I forgot her
name about 10 years ago!"
Another one from young Mooro

Jesus does St. Peter a favour
One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach.
This man was OLD! He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard. When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking for his son.
Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there.
"I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet," states the old man.
Jesus does a double take and says, "Father?"
The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"

Questions and Answers from Fat Git of Dartford our Star Turn!!!
Q: Why do men die before women?
A: Because we want to.

Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they have at least one way to shut a woman up.

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance and see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out. "My dear child, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun replies, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."
                                                                                     
A Couple From NottsCounty.Net
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

A Bloke goes to the doctor's.
'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start!'
Thanks to the chaps at www.nottscounty.net

" Give it here"
" NO IT`S MINE "
" Let me have it "
" IT`S MY TURN "
" You had it last time "
" FUCK OFF "
" C`mon, gimme it "
" NO WAY "
Siamese twins masterbating......
Fat Git of Dartford - The boys a bit special
 

More Naughty Nuns (aren't they all)
Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A: A roaming catholic.

Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A: A transister.

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy in New Mills.                         

An old man and an old woman used to sit in the nursing home all day watching television together.
The old woman would sit there holding the old man's member. The nursing staff tried to get them to stop it but couldn't and decided to leave them alone. Since they weren't hurting anyone, they just put a sheet over the couples lap and sought of ignored it.
But one day the old man didn't show up and when the old woman saw him in the dining hall later that evening she asked, "Where were you today?"
"I watched TV with Ethel today" he said quite matter of factly.
With slight cynicism in her voice, the old woman said, "What's Ethel got that I don't have?" The old man paused and said, "Parkinson's!"
David Hart (no relation to our own Jocko, Stevie) -  Baslow

Just in from Fat Git of Dartford: What is the difference between an oven and your wife??
                                                           The oven does`nt fart when you take the meat out !!!

The next time you are having a bad day imagine this...You're a Siamese twin, your brother is gay and you're not, but you only have the one arse!!!!!!!
Quality as usual.

About the Vets     Vets Weekly News    Squash Club    Non League Football    Just for fun    Picture Gallery
 Football Poetry    Malc's Vacations      Malc's Music     Malc's Ebay Page          Links Page   Manchester City  
 HOME PAGE                                                                                                                            EMAIL US