IRISH
HUMOUR
Thanks to Phil Oates for these
 It's
2012 and it's the Olympics in
London.
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishmen are desperate to get in but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover. Tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus" and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Pocklington-Smythe, England" he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks. The Irishman looks round and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm, "O'Malley, Ireland," he says, "Fencing"
A small Wild Animal Park in Ireland acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Reflecting on the problem, the park administrator thought of O'Malley, a large 
Connemara native, who was responsible for cleaning the
animals' cages. O'Malley had little sense, but possessed
ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.The park administrator thought he might have a solution. O'Malley was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for Eur500.00? O'Malley showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept the offer, but only under the following four conditions: 1 ). "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition. 2). "Second," he said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition. 3). "Third," he said, "I want any offspring to be raised as Catholics." Once again the administrator agreed. 4) And finally, O'Malley stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the Eur500.00!
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me 
wife.""Oh, John, that was very nice indeed!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled knowingly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I must say I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come !
 On
a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a
petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is: "Top of the mornin' to ye, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "Hello" and asks the attendant to fill her up. As he takes out his wallet to pay, two golf tees fall out of his pocket onto the ground. "What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They are for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!" .
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue  needed
someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus
and Sean were sent for.
Seamus went in and The mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No, it ain't Paddy". The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes." "What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we all went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four" "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."" You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. "The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," says Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
 Mick
was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You
are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a spanner." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a ****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
Sean walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home." |
